


every time

by prolixic



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Coming of Age, F/F, Inspired by personal experiences, Self-Discovery, Slice of Life, but just a teeny bit, jisu is in denial, yeji is frustrated, yeji's bf is jisu's brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-12 02:03:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19122352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prolixic/pseuds/prolixic
Summary: hwang yeji was a dream.





	every time

The first time Jisu ran into Yeji, it had been at her nineteenth birthday party.

The July before senior year began, she threw a bite-sized party (if you could even call it that—only ten people attended and all they did was have drinks and stand around aimlessly). The girl hadn’t invited many people to the event. She hoped to see only close relatives and a few friends. Hell, not even her younger brother could make it, so she was fairly surprised to see his girlfriend show up, clad in a wine party dress, dangling hoop earrings, and a smile that was far too bright for this world, or this party.

Shy Jisu didn’t talk to many people at school, having more acquaintances than best friends. She was infamous for keeping her nose in the books, working long hours, and overall, staying out of trouble. So undoubtedly, Hwang Yeji waltzing into such a small-scale party as such was quite out of place.

Jisu gulped as she watched Yeji greet her cousins animatedly, and took to smooth down her lavender romper out of anxiousness. She picked up on the stark difference between their outfits, Yeji’s being more refined and pricey, Jisu’s too obviously a result of hours and hours of raking through the racks at her local department store. If she could, she’d turn around and retreat to where she came from, but that option was out the window in a second when they finally made eye contact.

If a single look could kill, one glance in her direction, a curved up lip, and the sound of heels clacking as the girl approached her, Jisu would’ve been out in an instant. That would’ve been better than what was to come next.

The birthday girl didn’t catch Yeji’s words. There might’ve been a compliment or two, and maybe a birthday wish, but a question came rolling off of Jisu’s tongue before her brain could fully process the situation.

“Where’s my brother?”

Yeji blinked, clearly caught off guard by the question. But the radiant grin never once left her feline facial features.

“I wish I knew.” She giggled. “Jisu, you look gorgeous, seriously.”

Jisu felt her face heat up. It wasn’t often that she received compliments from classmates. Sure, her friends were always showering her in praise and affection, but those were her friends so she had been used to it. This was a new feeling that she liked. She liked it a lot. She just couldn’t admit that to herself.

“Thanks,” Jisu stammered. “Tried my best.”

If the compliment had come from Chaeryeong, she probably would’ve replied with something self-deprecating and in denial, but Jisu hadn’t seen much of Yeji’s face. Except for those occasional run-ins with Yeji and Jisu’s brother in hallways and softball games Chaeryeong dragged her to. Admittedly, Jisu always wondered who number 15 was. Even as a person who hated sports, she couldn’t help but being impressed whenever watching her play.

Jisu just had to force herself to accept that the captain of the softball team and executive vice president of the school somehow found her attractive.

They didn’t interact much for the remainder of the party. No matter how many birthday wishes or compliments Yeji threw her way, it was bound to be awkward. Even though Jisu assumed the older girl would be extremely bored without her boyfriend there to chat with, she managed to surprise her, striking up conversation with plenty of guests. A social butterfly, but far more graceful and enchanting. Really, butterfly was an understatement. Seraph felt more fitting.

It began to feel less and less like Jisu’s birthday and more like a celebration of Hwang Yeji. But the actual birthday girl couldn’t complain. She hated being the center of attention anyway.

The beauty, who now had the rest of the guests wrapped around her finger, glimpsed not once again in Jisu’s direction. But maybe it made sense. We’re talking about two completely different ends of a spectrum. They didn’t know each other. Yeji was a vibrant pop star who flourished in the spotlight, whereas Jisu was an underground indie kid that’d rather be home drowning in intense sessions of self-discovery. The two were never meant to cross paths.

Yet it kept happening.

The second time had been after a softball game, two months later. The game was significant in that it would determine whether the team would advance on to States.

Chaeryeong dragged Jisu along yet again to watch their other friend Yuna compete, after talking her out of staying home and studying for finals. Chaeryeong complained that she had the whole weekend to study and that she was such a buzzkill. Jisu wanted to say sports were not her idea of fun, but secretly knew that she was enthusiastic to watch number 15 play.

Jisu scanned the mass of bodies for number 15, and found her eyes glued to the player for the entirety of the game. She watched her race up and down the sidelines hitting balls and whatnot. Jisu didn’t quite get the sport, but could tell Yeji was dedicated.

The tension of the tournament pervaded throughout the field, evident in the players’ attitudes and a deadlocked score. The game had reached a stalemate. Whenever home scored, it didn’t take long for the opposing team to catch up to them. Never did she pay such close attention to these competitions, usually on her phone playing rhythm games most times. But this time was different. This time she found herself growing more and more uptight as the seconds ticked away on the scoreboard, and fidgeted anxiously in her spot on the bleachers.

_You can do this. You can do this. You can do this._

There was a brief moment where Yeji appeared to be stressed and paused to search through the stands. She looked like she was searching for someone in specific, Jisu’s brother most likely. He was her lucky charm after all.

But then they made eye contact, and Jisu realized that her brother hadn’t even shown up. Yeji’s lips curved up into a blinding grin, and she was no longer the distressed softball player she had been just a minute prior. Instead a shining ball of energy.

She waved but Jisu couldn’t wave back, mainly because Yeji had already returned to the game before she was given a chance to react, and surely that wave couldn’t have been directed toward her, right? Must’ve been for someone above her. Thank goodness she saved herself from the embarrassment.

The crowd remained on edge and impatient, until number 15 scored the winning point. Jisu jumped to her feet along with the rest of the fans, shyly clapping and smiling, in hard contrast to Chaeryeong who started jumping up and down and chanting _Shin Yuna! Shin Yuna! Shin Yuna!_

Said girl shifted on her feet and rolled her eyes at Chaeryeong. Then she ran into Yeji’s arms and squeezed her tightly, the rest of the team not far behind.

 

* * *

 

“You dropped something.”

Jisu stopped in her tracks. She spun around to see Yeji in the flesh, motioning toward a small sweater on the floor. The thing was so thin, Jisu barely felt it slip from around her waist. Bending down to retrieve it, she muttered a small thanks.

“Enjoy the game?”

Jisu looked up again and really took a good look at the older girl. Sweat dripped down her forehead, long hair matted to her face. She was still wearing her uniform, and Jisu tried not to take note on how it hugged her curves so perfectly. As if it was specifically tailored for her. Which it most likely was.

Yeji eyed her questioningly, almost seeming to ask why she was there. Jisu didn’t look like the type of person to be interested in softball. And the way she had been furiously walking toward the doors just a second ago was probably what prompted the quizzical look on Yeji’s face.

“Maybe,” Jisu answered. “I mean y-yeah.” 

And then came the infamous question.

“But where’s my brother?”

Yeji scoffed. “ _Again?_ Not here obviously.” 

Jisu fidgeted, trying to avoid eye contact. Awkward.

“Jisu, I hope you know I actually care for your opinion. If my technique was shit or something just tell me.”

Yeji chuckled, but then something must’ve clicked in her mind.

“You know I’m not talking to you just because you’re my boyfriend’s sister, right?” 

The look on Jisu’s face gave away her irrational thoughts. Yeji didn’t even have to pry. The girl should know that it was a challenge trying to get anything out of her.

“Well, I hope to see you at States, cutie.”

Then Yeji disappeared, leaving behind a very flustered Jisu. Luckily, Chaeryeong and Yuna were right there to save her from overthinking about what just happened and wallowing in self-pity. Enveloping their arms around her shoulders, they proceeded to lead her out of the school.

 

* * *

 

That night Jisu dreamed of number 15.

 The figure in her dream was hardly discernible, but for some reason she was positive it was her. A strong scent of sunflowers and cashmere. Sparkly eyes and a contagious laugh that had the power to uplift anyone. Long legs which made her out to be nearly ten centimeters taller. All these traits of which Jisu should’ve not been dreaming about. Yet, there she was in screaming color. 

Hwang Yeji was a dream.

After every time they’d meet, she’d disappear for several weeks or months. It was increasingly hard to believe in the girl’s existence. She was a fleeting entity who sometimes felt like just a figment of Jisu’s prismatic imagination. Seriously, every time they ran into each other, it was like they were meeting for the first time, and they were just remembering that the other existed.

One time she bumped into her at the movies and of course their seats had to be right next to each other. If there were ever a time where Jisu believed in coincidences, that hadn’t been one. It had to be some sort of set up. A message the universe wanted to get through to her. But the weird thing was that Yeji had gone without her boyfriend. In fact, she was there alone, but she didn’t look disheartened by the fact, and seemed not to care. It was later when Jisu learned her brother took a rain check on the date for whatever reason. Jisu sympathized, and was sort of grateful Yeji at least had acquaintances Chaeryeong and herself there to keep her company. 

Still, it was awkward. Especially since Jisu could feel Yeji’s eyes glued to her throughout most of the movie.

And while the older girl kicked off the night with a bored, careless expression, she exited the theater with a much brighter one. Like she hadn’t had a detached, negligent boyfriend at all.

The dream ended within just a moment, Jisu awakening to a sense of guilt, but more so curiosity. Once the prime details of the dream came surging forth, she wondered what all of it meant.

Once awake, she refused to believe that Hwang Yeji was the character in her dream. And brushing the thought off, she went back to sleep.

The third time (or maybe fourth, she had stopped keeping count) Jisu ran into Yeji, it had been at their high school graduation. Several months after the softball game or movie theater situation. At this point, Jisu was really starting to believe the girl was a piece of fiction.

But then there she was again, in that damn wine dress.  

Maybe Yeji treasured the dress, since Jisu could swear rich people would hate to be caught in the same outfit from time to time, or something like that.

Numerous cords and medals hung around her neck. The dress hung looser on her figure, and she appeared to have shed a few pounds. Her cheeks were thinner and she must have grown a few centimeters. But among all these changes, she was still the same Yeji she’d known from years of staying in the background and observing her from afar. Years of wordless greetings whenever she came over for dates with Jisu’s brother, and years of Jisu refusing to acknowledge her existence despite her playing a core role in her family’s life.

But then again, perhaps there had been a change. 

She was not smiling as wide as Jisu was used to, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. And those eyes. They looked so lost. Yeji looked _lost_ , like a puppy awaiting its owner’s return from their 9-5 day job. She stood by herself, phone in hand, awkwardly leaning against a small stone bench.

Was she waiting for family? Couldn’t have been; Jisu strictly recalls Yeji informing her mom of her parents’ business trip. Then, boyfriend? Nope, not here, as per usual (Jisu’s own brother not showing up for her graduation—she didn’t expect any less from him). Maybe her friends then. Jisu was certain she had a lot, what with the softball team and SGA Board and whatever other extracurriculars she participated in.

“Jisu,” came her mother. “Is that Yeji? Invite her over, will you?”

Jisu almost forgot her parents were currently busy snapping millions of pictures of Chaeryeong and Yuna (who weren’t even graduates, mind you). They probably took more pictures of them than the actual graduate. But she didn’t mind. Being the center of attention was overrated.

“Please.” Chaeryeong rolled her eyes. “I’m tired of this. Take pictures of the _actual_ supermodel here.”

Yuna huffed in agreement. “Right.” 

Jisu, too afraid to call her name, waited as Yeji continued to survey the mass of families and friends, until finally their gazes locked. An all-too-familiar moment. Smiling shyly, Jisu waved her over. The older female approached slowly, as if she was treading thin ice.

“Hi.”

“Hello...”

“Congrats!”

“Thanks, you too…”

Painfully awkward, like their meetings had always been. Yeji opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off by Jisu’s mother.

“Yeji sweetie! Come take a picture with Jisu! _Congratulations by the way!_ ”

“Mom, I don’t think she—“

“I’d love to,” Yeji replied cheerfully. “And thank you, Mrs. Choi!”

_Wait what? But we don’t know each other!_ Jisu internalized. This was her brother’s girlfriend and nothing more. The siren-like being that frequented her dreams, who followed her around and confused the living hell out of her. An unreachable, puzzling figure, and nothing more. That’s all she would ever be.  

So why was she everywhere she turned?

Jisu swallowed, fighting the urge to take off and run somewhere.

Yeji grazed past her, whispering something along the lines of, “That outfit is fucking adorable, by the way.” Of course Jisu couldn’t remember the words exactly, too bothered by the fact that her legs were now jelly and her stomach was performing somersaults. Her reaction had been a surprise. After all, it was just a simple compliment, but something about this atmosphere felt different from previous times. It directly resulted from dream after dream and moreover, that particular _edge_ to Yeji’s voice.

What the hell was happening.

“ **Jisu** ,” Mrs. Choi said, waving furiously.  

Just like that, Jisu snapped out of yet another trance and made her way into the picture. 

“C’mon let me see teeth! Guys, get closer, you’re like ten feet apart! Jisu, move a little to the left! What are you doing?”

Yeji giggled. “I can promise you I don’t have fangs.” 

Jisu bit her lip and inched ever so closer. Her father snapped a few pictures of them, mom all the while watching with arms crossed. The woman let out a sigh, unsatisfied.

“Yeji dear, can you put your hand on Jisu’s waist?”

Jisu choked on air, stepping back a little.

“ _What?_ ” she called. She glanced to the girl beside her and caught her deflated expression. “I mean, mom, come on, I think we have enough pictures.” 

“What’s the problem? It’s just a picture. And you never acknowledge the poor girl’s existence, anyway. This is good for you two. Maybe you can become friends after this.”

_Wow_ , that definitely didn’t sting.

“Your mother is doing you a favor,” Jisu’s father butt in, as if anyone asked him. “This could help you make more friends, sweetie.”

Jisu had several objections to those statements, but decided against arguing with them. There was no winning there.

Yeji was enjoying this. Jisu could tell by that damn smirk on her face. It was never fun for someone you hardly met and were in the process of getting to know to witness your parents teasing you. And Yeji’s silence throughout it all killed her. 

_“Fine.”_

Finally, the older female wrapped her arm around the younger’s waist, softly brushing exposed skin from the two-piece Jisu was wearing. If it couldn’t get any worse, Yeji leaned her head into the crook of her neck, bending slightly so Jisu appeared higher in stature. This was too much. Jisu’s cheeks heat up and the color drained from her face. But she managed to play along and leaned her head against Yeji’s. 

Something wasn’t right about this position. Did girl friends do this? Pose in such suggestive positions? Maybe Jisu was just overthinking and had her mind in irrational places.

If Chaeryeong and Yuna picked up on her suffering, they didn’t smirk or anything. In fact, they weren’t even watching the scene. For once, they were in their own world, using Yuna’s phone for premature prom dress shopping.

“You two are so cute! Okay, that’s enough. You can breathe now.”

Jisu released a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding in. Yeji chuckled softly, but before letting go of the younger’s waist, muttered “you’re cute when you’re flustered.”

That did not help. Jisu nearly slipped out of her grasp, but thankfully, no one took notice of the sudden uprise.

As much as she hated this moment, it was kind of sad that this would most likely be their final meeting for a while. They were attending different universities, and to Jisu this should’ve been a good thing, but something about it was also bittersweet, dare she say. Their story didn’t feel final. Even though there really shouldn’t have been a story in the first place.

Hwang Yeji would remain a dream.

A very tempting, but also very forbidden dream.

In an instant, she disappeared into nothingness, and Jisu found herself desperately wishing to go to sleep. 

 

* * *

 

A year later one would think Jisu would no longer have to keep count of their encounters. 

But then in came number five (or six, probably six) and the now twenty year-old didn’t know how to feel.

This time it had occurred after acing her midterms thanks to hours and hours of burying her nose in thick textbooks, not seeing the light of day for several days. As a Pre-Med student, she couldn’t play around for even one second.

So when the grades were posted, she kind of fell out her chair. And shrieked with glee. And maybe danced a little. All her hard work paid off and she had successfully completed her first semester of university. An amazing feat, especially since the school was rigorous and demanding, and many had already dropped out around that time.

Jisu, excited and blinded by her success, decided to do something hasty.

“Hey,” came Ryujin’s chill voice through the phone line. “Didn’t think you’d call.”

“I mean, I was bored and the number was right there so… why not?” 

Ryujin, a girl from her psychotherapy group, liked to eye her from across the room whenever someone else was voicing their problems. Jisu wasn’t sure how it happened exactly but after one visit, Ryujin’s number saved itself into her contacts and she smirked and whispered something like “call me if you ever need me to help you take your mind off of things” or something. And then the mystery girl was out the door.

The truth was, Jisu found herself similarly glancing in Ryujin’s direction from time to time, half paying attention to what others were saying. She was curious, to say the least. Maybe she did need to take her mind off of things.

For a minute, Jisu feared Ryujin hung up because the other end fell silent, but then there was a snort and the girl broke into a fit of laughter. 

“That’s cute,” she said, giggling. “So what’s the occasion?”

“I need to clear my head. _And_ I just aced my finals so there’s that. But more the clearing my head thing. Like you said.”

“What’s on your mind, sweetheart?”

“Just… things. Please don’t call me that.”

“Why? Makes your knees weak or something?”

Jisu gulped and didn’t respond to that. Ryujin just laughed.

“New World Suites. Some rich guy’s birthday. Meet me on the seventh floor.” 

“Wait—“ But the phone line went dead before Jisu could protest.

A party? Was that really her idea of fun on a Wednesday night? Sure, school was out for the semester, but she didn’t know if that was her type of scene. _Well, how else do you expect to take your mind off of things?_

Maybe that was a fair point. Giving into her inner voice, she threw on a dress, grabbed her sweater, and dashed out of the dorm. 

She was right, it was definitely not her type of scene. Red cups and beer cans littered the floor, the room reeked of alcohol and weed, many guests had passed out and many were so intoxicated they couldn’t control themselves. Jisu wondered who was even being celebrated. Most of these kids looked like they had a curfew.

Yep. Revelry and anarchy. Definitely not what she had in mind. 

Before she could even think about spinning around on her heels and fleeing, she spotted Ryujin in the far left corner. Smirking, the girl nodded as a sign for her to come over. So Jisu did as such, slowly and careful not to trip over some random body or cup or whatever other trash was on the floor.

“Gorgeous baby Jisu,” Ryujin purred, not taking her hooded eyes off of Jisu’s curves. “You’re so sexy.” 

Jisu wasn’t sure whether that was the alcohol talking or if the girl actually liked this cheap ass outfit. She wasn’t even able to apply much makeup, in a rush since the hotel was pretty far. 

“Thanks. I just put on whatever was in arm’s reach.” 

The two practically strangers laughed, and would laugh even more for the next hour or so until Jisu had to excuse herself. Earlier, she promised herself that she wouldn’t drink, but here she was with the third one of the night. It was even worse that her alcohol tolerance was absolute crap. She didn’t know what she was doing. 

Ryujin’s face began to blur and her voice grew more and more distant. It reached the point where Jisu could barely hold herself up, let alone comprehend the words flowing from the girl’s sultry voice. She desperately needed some air.

Jisu stumbled into a bathroom, heading straight for the toilet. She attempted to throw up, but nothing would come out. Sighing, she walked out of the stall. She was sure she’d be back in a few minutes.

Looking the mirror, Jisu found herself unrecognizable. She wondered how her reflection had become so obscure, so baffling. But before going any deeper into thought, she shook her head and brushed it off. _Tonight is about clearing our mind, remember._  

Her vision was still clouded as she staggered down the hallway trying to locate the room. There were so many rooms and Jisu of course failed to remember the number. What was it again? 761? 762? _Great. Perfect._  

Without even thinking, the drunken female walked into a random room, hoping it was the same one from earlier. Truthfully, even if it wasn’t, Jisu didn’t care. It was good to get away from all the noise. Yes, this was intrusive but these were drunk Jisu’s thoughts. No form of rationale present.

She plopped down on the bed and started to drift off, but then heard a female voice from across the room. For a second, Jisu thought it could be Ryujin coming to collect her after she so graciously abandoned her on the dance floor. But that wouldn’t make sense. How could she have found her? The voice, however, was too bright and high pitched to be Ryujin’s. It was also painfully familiar. She could recognize it from a mile away.

Yeji laughed as she exited the bathroom, phone pressed to her ear. She was about to say something but halted when she met eyes with the younger, who was currently sprawled all over the bed. Sprawled over which Jisu now knew was Hwang Yeji’s bed. Jisu jumped in surprise.

“I’m sorry, let me call you back,” Yeji told whoever was on the line. She pressed a button on her phone and hung up, giving the intruder her full attention.

“I- I was just leaving.” 

Yeji’s lips curled up into a warm smile, and Jisu nearly melted because of the radiation.

“How are you?”

Jisu blinked, taken aback by the random question. Why did she care? But mostly, why was she here? This had to be the alcohol’s doing.

“Not here, that’s for sure. My mind feels like it’s _worlds_ away.”

She tried to ignore Yeji’s solemn expression, and continued on.

“Also I’m kinda sorta a little drunk.” Jisu chuckled humorlessly.

“Ah, you came from Jeongin’s party?”

Jisu nodded, acting like she definitely knew who that was.

“I wanted to go but I’m actually at work.” Yeji frowned, slowly approaching her. “God, I _hate_ this place.”

There was a brief silence, before Yeji seemed to pick up on Jisu’s internal, or more like external conflict. Jisu rolled over to the side so her face couldn’t be seen. Yeji asked what was wrong, taking a seat on the mattress. Jisu just shook her head dismissively.

“You’re not slightly creeped out by the fact that some random drunk girl is lying on your bed?”

“But you’re not some random drunk girl. You’re Jisu.”

Jisu sighed. “I’m imagining things.” 

“You’re not. Want me to prove it to you?”

What did she mean by that? Jisu cleared her throat nervously, but Yeji shot her a reassuring look, motioning her over.

Jisu hesitantly arose from her spot on the bed and stood in front of the older female. They held each other’s gazes as Yeji extended her hand. Jisu paused, wondering what to do with it, and then intertwined her small hands in the elder’s. She didn’t know what was happening. But then suddenly, Yeji hoisted Jisu up with hands on either side of her waist and pulled her down onto her lap. Jisu’s breath hitched. They leaned in slightly, foreheads pressed together.

“Believe me now?” Yeji said, voice laced with velvet. 

“Nope, not really.” Both girls laughed.

“Why does the universe keep bringing us together?”

“Probably because the universe is some dumb hopeless romantic.” _And_ chaotic drunk Jisu was back. If it were a sober moment, she’d probably be in full-on panicked gay mode by now. But the moment didn’t feel real. They never did.

“I keep seeing you in my dreams,” Yeji went on. “At first it was creepy, but now I can’t imagine them without you. Oh my god, that was cheesy, wasn’t it?”

Jisu giggled obnoxiously. “No, that’s funny because I see you too. I swear they’re trying to tell me something but I dunno what. What do you think they’re trying to tell you?”

“That some things are too far to reach, even if they’re right in front of you.”

Jisu’s mind was way too hazy to comprehend that, so she just laughed. Laughed at absolutely nothing. Yeji joined in all while cupping her cheek and thumbing it softly. It didn’t take long for the laughs to be replaced by sniffles and a disappointed look claiming Jisu’s face. 

“You’re dating my brother,” she said, voice small and somber. 

The older female grew quiet, pressing her lips together and averting her eyes elsewhere. There it was. The dreaded, yet traditional mention of Jisu’s petty brother. She tried to stay composed, but something seemed to break inside because she choked back a sob. 

“Not anymore. We broke up because, well, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

She inhaled sharply and tried her best to continue.

“People at his school thought I was some sort of predator dating someone two years younger than me. I’ve heard horrible things. I’d wake up to tons of anonymous messages on my social media calling me a pedophile. And—“ 

Yeji was now sobbing. “I just… couldn’t.” 

The younger stayed nonvocal, carefully choosing her next words. She felt like anything said could possibly shatter the female beneath her, and she didn’t want to be the one to pick up the pieces. It was a good thing the alcohol was starting to wear off and she was finally coming to her senses about what was happening.

“But it wasn’t just that,” Yeji continued after a long while of sobbing quietly. “Actually, that was just a small part of it. The truth is I’m… still trying to figure myself out, you know? I don’t know if I loved him that way and he was tired of waiting for me to make up my mind. But I don’t blame him. Anyone would get tired of me.” 

“I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

Yeji heaved a sigh. “It’s alright. It’s my fault.”

Another period of silence. Yeji tightened her grip on Jisu’s waist upon feeling her shift slightly on her lap.

“You know, I have all these medals, all these trophies, several offers to speak at these _big_ schools, and I’m going to play in _America_ soon, but I still don’t know who the hell I am.”

Jisu quirked an eyebrow. “A bragger maybe?”

“ **Jisu** ,” Yeji said pointedly. “It’s not even that. All these accomplishments mean nothing if I can’t figure out who I am as a person. I can’t describe it. I feel—fruitful on the outside but hollow on the inside. I’m _lost,_  Jisu. And it’s fucking scary.” 

Why was she telling her this? Was it because she was obviously drunk and would probably forget the conversation later? Jisu tried to make sense of the girl’s revelation, but the dots failed to connect. She couldn’t relate at all so she didn’t know how to respond.

But Jisu never got the chance to formulate a response or even think much of it, because then Yeji pressed her lips to Jisu’s forehead and mumbled something about having to let her go because she didn’t want to take advantage of her intoxication.

“Sorry we had to meet like this. You deserve better.”

Their moment was interrupted when something in Yeji’s pocket buzzed. She exhaled exasperatedly as she pulled out her phone.

“That’s work. Someone probably threw up in the kid’s area again.”

“That’s okay. I should probably get going anyway.”

Jisu rose from her spot on Yeji’s lap, and this time Yeji didn’t protest. She shot her a sad smile. Well, Jisu had completely overstayed her welcome. If she had even been welcome.

How did she even get here, she wondered. First, there had been a mystery girl, who ogled her like she was a box of candies, and then came curiosity and a desperate wish for escape from her torturous mind. But then insert the very girl that had made it so torturous in the first place. 

She wasn’t supposed to be there. Jisu was nothing to Yeji but simply her now ex-boyfriend’s shy sister. They were too distant. Worlds apart. Hell, Yeji had no real relation to the younger now that she was single. But the universe worked in strange ways.

Yeji was right about that one thing. Jisu felt empty and wished to be filled.

 

* * *

 

On Sundays she always woke up feeling sick. But after a while, it wasn’t bothersome anymore and instead a normal part of college life.

Ryujin had gotten her into the habit of staying out late on Saturdays, drinking and laughing her worries away, making new friends and overall just stepping out of her previous lifestyle. Sure, sometimes it was a little much, but it became routine and Jisu grew to enjoy it. Funny how just a few months ago she wanted nothing to do with that scene.

Over the next few months, the dresses in Jisu’s closet became tighter and flimsier and the number of contacts on her phone increased. She shed out of her former shell and transitioned into a full-blown adult. Or rather, half-blown adult. She still had to figure out how to schedule her _own_ doctor’s appointments.

“Let’s try something different today.” She was holding her cellphone to her ear while sifting through her collection of tight-fitting shorts. “Movies?”

“Hell no,” Ryujin replied. “People just go there to get it on in the theater. And it’s dirty as fu—“

“I meant at _your_ place, dummy.” 

“Oh then sure. We can have our privacy that way.”

Silence from Jisu’s end.

“Just kidding! God, Jisu, _laugh_! I was playing. So serious.”

“Yeah,” she replied, unamused. “Be there in ten minutes.” 

The phone line went dead and Jisu returned to her task of finding a suitable outfit for the occasion. What was this anyway? A date? Ryujin still had yet to make a move on her. Every time Jisu thought Ryujin would finally bridge the gap between just friends and cuddle buddies, she was only met with disappointment. Their nights would often end with cheek kisses but nothing more. 

And what the hell were those anyway? She wanted more. More than just lewd jokes and empty hints.

God, she really had to stop giving herself false hope. And truth was, Jisu wasn’t sure if she saw Ryujin that way herself.  

In the end, she settled on a light pink halter top and jean shorts. Ever since Ryujin had walked into her life, she heavily influenced her clothing style. A year ago, you couldn’t catch her dead in half the items in her closet, preferring to cover up skin a lot more. Jisu wasn’t sure she’d liked the change, sometimes feeling overexposed and more prone to being peeped at by creepy middle-aged men at the campus drug store.

Ryujin’s dorm room was only two floors beneath her own and her roommate was almost never there, so it was quite easy to just crash there after their frequent escapades. Jisu also didn’t have to knock. Ryujin managed to get her a key so she could just invite herself in whenever. It was convenient especially for those times when she wanted to intrude while the younger was asleep and snuggle with her.

Not that they did that or anything.

“Gorgeous baby Jisu,” Ryujin said upon Jisu’s entrance. That had become her famous greeting ever since their first meeting. It never failed to send a shiver down the elder’s spine.

She shut the door behind her and was starting toward the couch, when she noticed someone’s head on Ryujin’s lap. The someone perked up and Jisu swear she wanted to disintegrate into thin air in that moment. 

“Oh, this is my cousin Yeji by the way. She’s our guest for the night. You mind?”

Four months. It had been four months since that last meeting, and Jisu finally accepted the fact that they were on two different paths, headed for completely different things. Headed in opposite directions. Yet here Yeji was again in a new setting. And of course she was Ryujin’s cousin, as if the universe loved to play with her. Of course. 

But guess seventh time’s the charm, right? Whatever that meant.

_Okay universe, you’ve made your damn point._  

“Of course,” said Jisu with newfound confidence. “Just don’t eat my watermelon candies.” 

She decided to ignore the girl’s existence for the rest of the night, just like old times. But then about halfway into the first movie, Ryujin outstretched her arms and yawned. Of course she was tired. Of course she was going to leave. Jisu couldn’t say she didn’t see that one coming. 

Then it was just Yeji and herself. The girl was curled up on the couch, gaze not leaving the television screen. The screen illuminated the dark room. Sound was coming from the television, yet it still felt quiet and awkward.

For the first time throughout the whole night, Yeji spoke up.

 “I had a dream I got invited to play at the Olympics,” she mentioned randomly. “You were there and we were drinking and celebrating and… doing _things_.”

Jisu tried to hide her smug smile. If this were past Jisu she’d be a stammering mess, but this new and improved Jisu was a tad more confident, thanks to Ryujin getting her out of that box and showing her how to handle certain situations.

“Why do you keep following me?” Jisu asked exasperatedly.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“Don’t you live in America now?” 

“It’s spring break and I wanted to see my family?”

“My brother is out of the picture so what do you want with me?” 

“Jisu, for God’s sake, I’m _gay_.”

The inquiries stopped and awkward silence ensued. It was like someone had impaled her with a damn pole or something. Immense guilt washed over her.

“Maybe it’s because I don’t like your brother. I like you, dumbass.” The older female ran a hand through her hair, tired. “Was that moment at the hotel not obvious enough for you?”

“You know I was drunk,” said Jisu. “I didn’t know what the hell was happening.”

Yeji shook her head, inching closer. “You dense little shit.”

A squeal escaped Jisu’s mouth as Yeji lifted her up, settling her down on her lap, in the same position they had been just four months ago. 

“Well, hopefully you know now.”

Jisu hummed in response. She had to admit, this felt different while sober. She felt more exposed and see-through, like she could break under the elder’s calculating expression at any moment. In a matter of a few seconds, she was back to the shy Jisu from their very first meeting at her nineteenth birthday.

Their lips ghosted over each other’s, and it didn’t take long for Yeji to close the gap between them. Jisu relaxed her nerves after a while and set her hands on Yeji’s shoulders, steadying herself.

Jisu internally panicked wondering what Ryujin would think if she walked in on them like this. She had no idea they even knew each other. But she decided not to dwell on it too much, instead focusing on the moment at hand.

Electricity coursed through her veins as their lips moved as one. A frightening thought lingered at the back of her mind. Would things be any different the next day? But she didn’t want to think about that. So she kept dreaming.

This turned out as the last time they’d run into each other. Jisu fell asleep for quite some time, later waking up to see the spot beside her empty. Empty as if no one had been there the whole night. Though this time she hadn’t been upset, only content. Smiling, she shut her eyes again, daydreaming peacefully.

Hwang Yeji would remain just a dream, a dream of her past. But ultimately, a dream that had cured nights of restless sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> my first ff !!!! i’m usually never motivated to write but i had to get this one out. and i really wanted to write something for itzy because i love my girls and i’m obsessed with yejisu atm hehe. 
> 
> thanks for reading :)


End file.
